# 169: VIRGINIA
Plot: A sheriff sees his state senate bid slide out onto the ice when his daughter begins to date the son of a charming but psychologically disturbed woman with whom the sheriff has engaged in a two-decade-long affair.
Original Rating: 1.5/10
Quality: 1/10
Enjoyment: 0/10
Acting: 3/10
Memorability: 0/10
OVERALL: 1.1/10
#168: MANSOME
Plot: A documentary that explores the question: In the age of manscaping, metrosexuals, and grooming products galore - what does it mean to be a man?
Original Rating: 1.5/10
Quality: 2/10
Enjoyment: .5/10
Subject Interest: 2.5/10
Memorability: 1/10
OVERALL: 1.5/10
#167: BATTLESHIP
Plot: A fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.
I'm sure throughout this list I'll look back at my original ratings and wonder what I was thinking; at least on a couple of them. Battleship is the first. I'm sorry, but there is no good reason to take a famous game and make it into a summer "blockbuster" that's over two hours of limited thrills, no character development, and loathsome hero-making. Come on, look at the cast. Once you spot Rihanna's name, you know. Battleship is a turd. Let me set up a story for you. A young screw-up that's in love with his boss' daughter. The boss isn't happy about it - the man is a screw-up after all. An outside threat then poses a danger to the world as we know it. The screw-up steps up, leads the battle and becomes a hero. The boss ends up approving of the screw-ups love for his daughter because of this. Then Bruce Willis dies while sacrificing himself to detonate a bomb on a massive asteroid to blow it up. Yeah, it's Armaggedon. Same movie, except there's no cheesy laughs and the boss, Liam Neeson (why?) doesn't die at the end.
Original Rating: 3/10
Quality: 1/10
Enjoyment: 1.5/10
Acting: 2/10
Memorability: 0/10
OVERALL: 1.5/10
#166: HICK
Plot: A Nebraska teen gets more than she bargained for when she sets out for the bright lights of Las Vegas.
I pretty much stand by what I originally wrote on this one. Hick is a waste of film. It's a train wreck of a life disguised as a coming of age story. The characters are all terrible people and lack even an ounce of empathy to the audience. There isn't so much as a single scene that leads you to believe it's going to become something more than a movie intended to shock due to the fact that it involves an under-age girl. The violent and sexually-charged script is actually a little concerning, looking back at it. Chloe Moretz is a very talented young actress, but this proves that even the best can make poor choices. Chalk it up to a life experience for the young star.
Original Rating: 2/10
Quality: 1/10
Enjoyment: 1/10
Acting: 3.5/10
Memorability: .5/10
OVERALL: 1.6/10
#165: PROJECT X
Plot: 3 high school seniors throw a birthday party to make a name for themselves. As the night progresses, things spiral out of control as word of the party spreads.
I don't feel like this requires a rehashing. Here's my original thoughts: "a sideshow that features SUPER douchebags, has too many moments that are incredibly unrealistic, is not funny and disrespectful on so many levels while glorifying everything that's wrong with this generation, all in the name of high school popularity. The culmination? An understanding from parents about burning the neighborhood down. The next Superbad? Please. Superbad was the movie of this generation. It captured attempts of breaking away from your comfort zone with the worry of college and separation looming over you perfetly. This is just a movie about doing stupid shit, disrespecting adults, caving to peer pressure, needing to partake in total anarchy and destruction for attention and a release and creating a high school persona based on poor decision. How about the lowest rated movie I've ever handed out?" Touched it up a bit; otherwise, I stand by it.
Original Rating: 1/10
Quality: 1/10
Enjoyment: 2/10
Acting: 2.5/10
Memorability: 2.5/10
OVERALL: 1.8/10
#164: NATURE CALLS
Plot: Polar-opposite brothers Randy and Kirk never saw eye-to-eye, but their rivalry is taken to a new level when Randy hijacks Kirk's son's sleepover, taking the boys on a Scout Trip to remember.
Original Rating: 1.5/10
Quality: 1/10
Enjoyment: 3.5/10
Acting: 3/10
Memorability: .5/10
OVERALL: 1.9/10
#163: THE SAMARITAN
Plot: After twenty years in prison, Foley is finished with the grifter's life. When he meets an elusive young woman named Iris, the possibility of a new start looks real. But his past is proving to be a stubborn companion.
I don't remember watching this at all. I'll re-post my original thoughts: "a truly frustrating movie to watch play out mostly because it has the right parts to be a success, but the follow-through is half-assed and directionless. Because of this, it's also a tedious watch. It took me three separate viewings and 2-3 days to finish. It's greatest flaw is that it has an outer layer of importance, ethics and morals about itself, yet doesn't share the same level of importance at its core. As stated, the set-up and main points are worth the time, the execution isn't. Part melodrama, part film noir, part love story, part con, the film never develops past its basic form of character background and development and settles for being a lazy film that takes a twist and tries to turn it into something substantial. Like the film itself, Samuel L. Jackson is inconsistent. At the film's most emotion moments, he shines, but on its downtime he walks about the scene as if a ghost."
Original Rating: 3.5/10
Quality: 3/10
Enjoyment: .5/10
Acting: 4/10
Memorability: 0/10
OVERALL: 2.2/10
#162: THE BABYMAKERS
Plot: After failing to get his wife pregnant, a guy (Schneider) recruits his pals to steal the deposit he left at a sperm bank years ago.
Original Rating: 2.5/10
Quality: 2/10
Enjoyment: 3.5/10
Acting: 3/10
Memorability: .5/10
OVERALL: 2.3/10
#161: A THOUSAND WORDS
Plot: After stretching the truth on a deal with a spiritual guru, literary agent Jack McCall finds a Bodhi tree on his property. Its appearance holds a valuable lesson on the consequences of every word we speak.
Poor Eddie Murphy. Had he known what was to become of his career come 2012 back when A Thousand Words was filming in 2009, maybe he would have stepped aside and focused his efforts on find a script a little more worth his time. On the outside, A Thousand Words is an interesting premise. With the right balance of drama and dark humor, the film might have actually been half decent. After what seems like an eternity, the film wraps up as an outdated work that follows a beaten-to-death-horse path in story-arcing all the while being completely devoid of laughter.
Original Rating: 2.5/10
Quality: 2/10
Enjoyment: 3.5/10
Acting: 4/10
Memorability: 1/10
OVERALL: 2.6/10
#160: SAFE
Plot: Mei, a young girl whose memory holds a priceless numerical code, finds herself pursued by the Triads, the Russian mob, and corrupt NYC cops. Coming to her aid is an ex-cage fighter whose life was destroyed by the gangsters on Mei's trail.
Another one I barely remember. Cueing up the old review: "I don't consider myself a guy who hates Jason Statham for his horrible lack of diversity. In fact, I find it impressive that he's come this far in his career and been this consistent. But Safe is bad. Forget the violence, forget the action, forget the crime behind the story. It's a failure simply because it puts all of its worth into the relationship between two down on their luck characters coming together, Statham's usual quiet, self-sufficient bad ass and a young, newly-Christened orphan girl whose prowess as a Math whiz has landed her smack-dab in the middle of a mob war. The problem? The silver-lining is supposed to be that the two save each other. Statham saves the girl quite literally. The girl saves Statham by giving him something worth living and fighting for. They give each other their friendship. That would work, if the two shared more than 15 of the 85 screen time minutes together. The dialogue is strange, unnatural and stupid. The acting is just there. It's predictable enough, yet has no real resolution."
Original Rating: 3/10
Quality: 3.5/10
Enjoyment: 2/10
Acting: 4/10
Memorability: .5/10
OVERALL: 2.6/10
#159: MAN ON A LEDGE
Plot: As a police psychologist works to talk down an ex-con who is threatening to jump from a Manhattan hotel rooftop, the biggest diamond heist ever committed is in motion...
I love Elizabeth Banks. I think she's an underrated actress both comically and dramatically. That's why it was twice as disappointing when Man on a Ledge sucked as bad as it did. It's one of the most asinine heist "thrillers" ever. The ending is a step beyond stupid. There's a whole lot of flat acting and who cares moments for an hour and a half before the big finale that leaves everyone on-screen happy and everyone watching thinking they just watched a movie try and compensate for the fact that they had no idea how to end its story. One "Ledge" fan once tweeted at Banks saying: "man on a ledge is the best movie ever!!!" Banks retweeted and responded: "that may be a bit strong." If she said "worst" instead of "best," it'd be less strong.
Original Rating: 3/10
Quality: 2.5/10
Enjoyment: 3/10
Acting: 3.5/10
Memorability: 2/10
OVERALL: 2.8/10
#158: FUN SIZE
Plot: Wren's Halloween plans go awry when she's made to babysit her brother, who disappears into a sea of trick-or-treaters. With her best friend and two nerds at her side, she needs to find her brother before her mom finds out he's missing.
Original Rating: 2.5/10
Quality: 2/10
Enjoyment: 5/10
Acting: 3/10
Memorability: 2/10
OVERALL: 2.9/10
#157: THE PAPERBOY
Plot: A reporter returns to his Florida hometown to investigate a case involving a death row inmate.
The Paperboy is bad. The story is muddled, the writing is weak, the tonal shifts are brutal and the editing is awkward. It crawls along through muck hoping that oddities, Southern craziness and conflict makes it appear more engrossing. The enigmatic nature of the film's actual story is unexplainable. Paired with a sub-story of a young man with Oedipal tendencies following the death of his mother, the entire thing is very hard to follow. The sexual overtones are nothing more than a weird distraction. The main narration can't decide whether it's speaking to a character within the film or the audience watching it. For a film centered in the South and involving racism, there seems to be a belief that a certain offensive word starting with an N was said with the "er" dropped and an "a" added by said racists. It's actors are tremendously dedicated and impressive, but they can't even come close to saving this mess.
Original Rating: 2.5/10
Quality: 3/10
Enjoyment: 1/10
Acting: 7/10
Memorability: 1.5/10
OVERALL: 3/10
#156: THE LUCKY ONE
Plot: A Marine travels to Louisiana after serving three tours in Iraq and searches for the unknown woman he believes was his good luck charm during the war.
Nicholas Sparks will be Nicholas Sparks. It doesn't matter if a random, rom-com director is plucked from the masses or if Michael Bay sat in the director's chair. There will always be a duo of problematic characters that find each other and make themselves a tiny bit less of a hermit than previously. The Lucky One isn't anything. It's not a comedy, but it's not a thrilling love story either. There's no reason for tears or passion or anything. Realistically, the whole film could have been told in a matter of minutes. There's a man looking for a woman because her picture helped him get through the war. He finds her. He keeps the truth from her up until the climax. In between start and end, not much happens. In case one wonders what love story cancer looks like, it happens when the couple's relationship becomes tedious.
Original Rating: 3.5/10
Quality: 3/10
Enjoyment: 2/10
Acting: 5/10
Memorability: 1.5/10
OVERALL: 3/10
#155: 3, 2, 1... FRANKIE GO BOOM
Plot: Frank Bartlett has been tortured, embarrassed, and humiliated by his brother Bruce -- usually on film -- his entire life. Now that Bruce is finally off drugs and has turned his life around, things should be different. They are not.
Original Rating: 3.5/10
Quality: 2/10
Enjoyment: 4/10
Acting: 5.5/10
Memorability: 1.5/10
OVERALL: 3.3/10
#154: NOBODY WALKS
Plot: A Silver Lake family's relaxed dynamic is tested after they take in a young artist so she can complete her art film.
Some films die right with the premise. So goes Nobody Walks. There's not a lot to say about it as a whole. Nothing about the film tries to be impressive and it's commits itself to put a sleepwalk of a film in which there's no conviction, plenty of desire, but no self-restraint. Nobody Walks doesn't even do the disservice of pandering to their kidult personas. Those that don't communicated, act on every whim and don't think anything through. It would all be so frustrating to watch if it weren't so mind-numbingly forgettable. There is no sense of direction and the usually true-to-her-story Lena Dunham fails to write a story that contains anything more than pencil-thin characters and unforgivably forced problems of love and lust. On the side, there are odes. To what? Filmmaking, poetry, art? Who can tell?
Original Rating: 3.5/10
Quality: 3/10
Enjoyment: 3.5/10
Acting: 5.5/10
Memorability: 1/10
OVERALL: 3.3/10
#153: THE VOW
Plot: A car accident puts Paige in a coma, and when she wakes up with severe memory loss, her husband Leo works to win her heart again.
It was a breakout year for Channing Tatum and a quiet year from Rachel McAdams. Both of them are beautiful people. The early-year funk that usually has a stranglehold on movies was unpredictably tame. None of that changes the fact that The Vow was still a film made from a Nicholas Spark book. Since "The Notebook," Sparks adaptations have provided nothing but mushy love stories that ruin with problems and fix themselves. That, and bad reviews. The Vow proved to be the rule rather than the exception. The predicament of the story itself is so frustrating that it doesn't matter the involvement. When you know in your heart of hearts where the film will end, it's hard not to want the characters to just get there already. In a way, the film could receive kudos for portraying the struggle Tatum's character went through with McAdams' because it is painful to watch. I didn't see it that way.
Original Rating: 3.5/10
Quality: 3/10
Enjoyment: 2/10
Acting: 5.5/10
Memorability: 3/10
OVERALL: 3.4/10
#152: HIGH SCHOOL
Plot: A high school valedictorian who gets baked with the local stoner finds himself the subject of a drug test. The situation causes him to concoct an ambitious plan to get his entire graduating class to face the same fate, and fail.
Original Rating: 4/10
Quality: 3.5/10
Enjoyment: 5.5/10
Acting: 3/10
Memorability: 2/10
OVERALL: 3.6/10
#151: THIS MEANS WAR
Plot: Two top CIA operatives wage an epic battle against one another after they discover they are dating the same woman.
What could go wrong in a movie about two CIA guys fighting over the same girl? You know, the old secret agent-chick flick hybrid? That doesn't need an answer. Tom Hardy is a phenomenal actor who should have known better. Chris Pine is less so, but he deserved more. Yeah, this seems right up Reese Witherspoon's alley. Her appealing remains alluring, regardless. If I have to pinpoint one problem, it's that the goofy love battle and the spy-related CIA stuff intertwine so unnaturally it's painful. Looking back, I guess I didn't hate it as much as I thought. Thanks, original rating.
Original Rating: 5.5/10
Quality: 3/10
Enjoyment: 3/10
Acting: 4/10
Memorability: 2.5/10
OVERALL: 3.6/10
02-15-2013, 02:28 PM
My 2012 movie countdown: worst to best
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